


A Big Feeling

by redolater



Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: Anyways, Bisexual Gorgug Thistlespring, Character Study, Depression, Gorgug Thistlespring - Freeform, Heavy projecting, It’s a character study babeyy, Mental Illness, Queer Zelda Donovan, i LOVE Gorgug Thistlespring, implied polyamory, this is touched on at the end just a little
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:23:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23239153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redolater/pseuds/redolater
Summary: Gorgug grapples with a Big Feeling.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 57





	A Big Feeling

Gorgug, before meeting his birth parents, hated himself for being angry with the world. His adoptive gnome parents had given him the world and taught him well in the ways of gentleness and forethought despite his, for a lack of a better word, barbarianism. Gorgug loved his parents, and continues to, with every fiber of his being. So, for most of freshman year, where the hell did all that anger come from? Was it even anger at all?  
Many nights did Gorgug lay in his too-small bed, handling this angry-sad-numbing emotion in the quietest way he could: listening. With chunky headphones pulled over his ears, he listened to music and let the emotions just wash over him. Sometimes it was metal screaming in his ear, capturing all of the red-hot fury in his mind, and sometimes it was quiet rock ballads that made his heart twist and his eyes pour. On particularly emotionally trying nights, he’d listen to nothing but songs comprised solely from percussion. No vocals, no melody, no synthesizer, or anything. Just a steady beat to defend himself from his more morbid thoughts and self-loathing.  
It was hard to confront his parents about this. Both found such simple joy in the world that Gorgug could hardly imagine. Mostly, though, he was scared to be a burden to his parents. The hot, angry, sad feeling he felt more often than not was hellish when paired with guilt. He couldn’t bear to worry his parents, or ask them to go out of their way to fix his problem, it was his problem! He was sure he could fix it on his own, and nobody would have to know about the feeling. Questions, though, endlessly pestered him.  
Why did he have the feeling? Why did he feel like tearing the world to shreds and then weeping for it? Does he deserve the feeling, did he do something wrong?  
Was he just that fucked up in the head?  
He decided that it was his fault. He decided that many things were his fault. He apologized for things he’d did on accident, things he didn’t even do. He apologized constantly, and sometimes his mother would look him in the eye with a deep-seeded concern that only mothers could feel for their children, and she said, “Honey, you don’t need to be sorry.” Her eyebrows furrowed, showing the creases on her forehead well.  
Gorgug always tried to smile at her, but the sadness in his eyes always bled through.  
His father taught him songs about how anger was just another form of sadness, and Gorgug could see what he meant by that. He thought he could apply those songs to his Feeling, but eventually found that a deeper explanation was required. The proverbial bandage he applied to this metaphorical gunshot wound was that Gorgug’s mind was fucked up. He was fucked up. Every bully he’d ever encountered at school said something along those lines, and at some point, it just made sense to think it was true.  
When freshman year came and his adventuring party assembled, Gorgug went into countless rages during combat. It only took one or two occurrences for him to piece together that his rages were fueled by that Feeling. He, nearly a year later, explained to his girlfriend, Zelda, that his rages back then were almost a way to silence the internal shredding of his soul. That, she told him, sounds like some amazing Evanescence lyrics.  
Some answers came to Gorgug after his first prom.  
First, he met his birth parents, which gave him a kind of closure that might’ve hung over him for the rest of his life. But second, he talked to Jawbone. Really talked. It was Adaine’s suggestion. She had discovered her anxiety disorder in a healthy way with his guidance, and figured that her friends might also benefit from a learned discussion about mental illness.  
That’s how Gorgug named the angry sadness which had plagued him for years: depression. Obviously, he’d heard of depression, it’s not like he paid no attention to the mandatory Basic Heath classes he’d taken. It just never occurred to him that he had it. For a while, a new fear haunted him at night. Why did he have depression? Depression can be caused by abuse, he remembered reading. It’s not like his parents abused him. These fears were quelled by Jawbone when they spoke again.  
“Illness,” the lycanthrope explained, “sometimes just happens, kid. If a kid got cancer, you wouldn’t just go and blame the kid for gettin’ it, would you?” Gorgug shook his head. “Right. That kid’s not stupid or anything for getting cancer. His dad might’a had it, or maybe his mom might’a had it, or shit, kid, maybe he just got real unlucky. Point is, it’s normal as hell to get sick. And it’s not your fault, y’know? There’s nothing wrong with it, but you should still treat it, alright? Or else it might just kill ya.”  
Learning this about himself didn’t magically whisk away his depressive episodes, but it moved a weight from his shoulders that he’d never known to be a weight at all. Gorgug’s parents took him to therapy, encouraged him to open up more, they got him to start taking medication, which at first was scary (which of course, made him feel dumb. He’d slaughtered foes with mostly no regret, but he was scared of taking some little pill once per day?) but eventually, it became a part of his routine.  
There were many summer nights where Gorgug cycled through the playlist Zelda made him, where he sort of felt at peace with the Feeling. It was there, for sure, but his head felt clearer than ever. Of course, though, he found new emotions that didn’t treat him very kindly. For example, he was absolutely smitten with Zelda, but... he sometimes thought about the time he kissed Ragh during combat, and more importantly, after going out with Zelda for the first time. Gorgug wished he could regret initiating that kiss, but he didn’t. He should regret it, right?  
Thankfully, his girlfriend would eventually educate him in the ways of non-monogamy and queer sexuality typical to her culture, but for now, Gorgug just listened to music in his too-small bed, trying to come to terms with new feelings that swelled in his chest.


End file.
